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When
I was asked if I wanted to contribute my personal story
to the H.O.P.E. website, I was more than willing to do
so. I feel that it is important for others to know that
experiencing anxiety/panic is not something to be ashamed
of and that it is experienced by men and women of all
ages and backgrounds. If my story can give hope to at
least one individual experiencing anxiety then I feel
I have accomplished my goal!
It
ís hard for me to determine where my story begins. I suppose
I should start from the beginning! I am a middle child
born of divorced parents. I was always the shy, quiet
child who did what I was told to please my parents. By
the time I was seventeen, I grew defiant and rebellious
with my mom who had decided to remarry at the time. This
change in my life was hard for me to accept, so I found
solace in a relationship with my boyfriend. I grew to
depend on him emotionally as our relationship developed
into a long-term one (11 years to be exact).
Our
relationship had its ups and downs and looking back now,
I should have realized it was not a healthy one. As the
years passed, we continued to mistreat each other. I grew
bored and unfaithful, as he became abusive and alcohol
dependent. Unknowingly, this took a toll on my self-esteem
and I became codependent. The emotional and physical abuse
became unbearable; I decided to seek professional help.
I did not tell anyone (not even my family) of my situation
because I was extremely embarrassed. After several months
of meeting with my psychologist, she realized that I was
not only codependent, but experiencing anxiety attacks
as well. She suggested I contact the leaders of the H.O.P.E.
group so that I could start attending weekly meetings.
I
was extremely nervous about joining a support group and
didn't think there could actually be a group of individuals
who understood me or experienced what I was at the time.
I contacted one of the group leaders who spoke with me
for at least an hour describing what H.O.P.E. was all
about. I vividly remember crying on the phone that night
because I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He truly
described what I was experiencing and I was so relieved
to hear that there were others who felt the same way.
I
nervously attended the first meeting and was greeted by
several friendly members. During my first night in group
we read aloud a reading called "The Mask". I will never
forget the impact that reading had on me because it described
exactly how I was feeling. I wore "a mask" when I was
around my family, friends and coworkers trying to hide
the feelings of anxiety, pain and frustration I experienced
on a daily basis. At that point in my life I was frustrated
and depressed because I didn't know the symptoms of anxiety/panic.
I truly thought I had a physical ailment. I sought medical
advice; however, after being placed on many different
medications (my doctors didn't have a clue!), I realized
that it wasn't anything physical that I could treat. It
was the result of emotional and mental experiences that
I dealt with (or didn't) in my life. I allowed my self-esteem
to plummet and my anxiety increased rapidly.
After
only a few months of attending H.O.P.E. meetings, I felt
a difference in my life. I was able to leave the abusive
relationship and started to accept myself in a positive
light. It wasn't easy but I'm so glad it happened. Attending
group meetings helped me gradually build my self-esteem
and taught me how to work on anxiety relieving practices.
I know I will experience anxiety and stress throughout
my life. However, I now know how to handle it, and my
anxiety attacks are nearly nonexistent.
I
"graduated" from H.O.P.E. approximately 3 years ago and
enjoyed being a member for about 3 years. Currently I
am happily married to a wonderful man who understands
(or tries to!) my experiences with anxiety, my outlook
on life is positive and I enjoy life! Since graduating,
I realized that more and more people experience anxiety
or panic, especially since September 11th. I just hope
that they realize that they are not alone. They don't
have to hide behind "a mask". There are caring, helpful
resources and organizations like H.O.P.E. that are willing
to assist. It's never too late to make a change for the
better.
~
Linda ~ "A Graduate of H.O.P.E." 12/01
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